Because somewhere along the way, sickness and misery became glamorous and something to make people say "sometimes I wish I had an eating disorder too, just to be thin," not realizing that my life is being torn apart, piece by piece with no end in sight. Because pro-anorexia really exists, I can tell you honestly and completely why my eating disorder is so glamorous, and that you should be jealous of what I've become.
When you first "decide to have anorexia", sure, it might be great. Enjoy it while it lasts, because it won't last, and it's a downwards spiral you won't get out of. I know how it is, the hunger highs and fast results will be lovely.
Then all the "good times" will starve away, just like your happiness, health and sanity.
Your body only has so much energy to live off before everything starts crashing around you. You'll discover the first parts of reality to something you found to be so beautiful, and a symbol of your self control and willingness for perfection. You'll find your vision start spotting just before you crash to the ground, with the risk that every blackout could be your last.
Enjoy sleeping? Not anymore. How did you ever plan on sleeping with a painfully empty stomach in your new life with Ana? No matter how exhausted you are, you will never sleep soundly again.
Maybe a few weeks, maybe months along the line you might think that enough is enough, and that you don't want your "life with Ana," anymore. Good luck with forgetting that so easily. You can try to eat normally again, but what is normal? 200 calories, maybe 500, "X" calories with a 1750 calorie deficit? Do you remember normal anymore? You'll finally start to face up the the reality of the eating disorder that you so badly wanted to have, but you can't opt-out when its enough, like you first thought.
Soon enough, you'll start the hear what everyone was thinking. "Have you been eating? You look so thin, we're worried about you." You'll snap back at concern with anger and frustration, because how can you ever be happy and rational whilst starved of everything your body needs?
"Ana" will become your addiction, a way to cope when things get tough, tougher than they already are. Stressed? Don't eat for two days. Failed a test? Doesn't matter now, you have Ana by your side, so you can exercise all night until it's 3am and your vision starts to go black and your ears are ringing louder and louder, but you're used to that now.
Sooner or later, you'll pick up more disordered habits and addictions, adding some more misery to your life with Ana, the only life you can remember now. Ever taken so many laxatives you passed out from agonizing cramps and dehydration? You have now. In your life, your life before Ana, did you ever eat until you truly believed your stomach would split open, just to scratch up your throat trying to throw it all up again? You will now. You may even become addicted. You never wanted to live with "Mia", but you've realized after becoming trapped in the downward spiral, you can't choose to stop being sick, and you feel like somehow you deserve it for wanting it so bad, but it's an illness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
And you'll come to realize that "Life with Ana" isn't living at all. It is misery, it is isolation, you are simply just breathing, existing, dying.
Your eating disorder won't just be yours anymore, because the life of everyone that loves you will come crashing down, all because of the abusive and obsessive grip Ana has on your existence. Maybe your parents will get divorced and sell the house to try pay for your treatment because they see you dying a little bit more, day by day.
But that's Tori's story, and you'll never hear her story, because the suicide rates in people with eating disorders are so tragically high. And she'll never be here again, to recover, to have a chance at life without Ana, and to tell you why nobody should ever want this disease.
And if you do ever want to get treatment, good luck. Maybe you'll be deemed "sick, but not-sick-enough," and push to lose weight until you're just the right amount of almost dying. Or maybe you'll be too sick, and can't find or afford a place to treat you because nobody wants to be treating you when they know Ana has pushed you too close to death.
Maybe you will get treatment, and have to put your life on hold, quit your job, leave school, have to someday repeat a year of education because Ana stole that, and so many great things from you. And in that treatment that took so much to find, and is even more difficult to stick to, that eating disorders are addictive. But unlike a drug addiction, you have to face it everyday. Nobody needs cocaine to survive, but you can't avoid food without dying.
Who ever knew that a mental illness, a disease with a "Pro-ED" community could someday be terminal. "Ana" isn't a choice, a trend, a diet. It is a disease, a killer, an abuser. I hope that if anything came out of my controlling relationship with Ana, it's that if you persue trying to build a life with this sickness, you will be trapped, you will be addicted, you will be miserable. You won't be living, but dying, with Ana.
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